I totally forgot I had this account on livejournal. so please forgive me. I actally recovered for awhile, but I have offically relapsed. When I got out of recovery, I was 158, and It's been three months, and my lowest weight was 140, and right now I am 144. I have been trying to loose 10lbs recently, but It's been really stressfull, cause I've been working alot, and trying to save money for a car, and saveing up for an apartment so as soon as I'm eighteen, I'll be able to move out, or at least I'll be able to have my own car, and be able to pay my car insurance. So if I save 45$ every week, in 26weeks, I'll have enough for a car, that seems far away, but I'm not even able to get my permit until I turn 17, and then 6 months after that I'll get my license and I'll be happier than ever. Of coarse with the accpetion of my eating disorder, but whatever. Well, I'm pretty amazed with how hard I'm working, and when I get my license, I'll be able to get my G.E.D. and go to school. I might live with my mom, until I'm out of college, and save money up for an apartment or something. I'm gonna get my friends together and were gonna paint my bedroom I have now for my mom, and make it like a sewing/craft room for her, with her laptop, computer, and put some booke shelves in there for her too. When Dennis moves out were gonna make the third floor my room, which it's like a mini apartment, it's actually sorta like a studio, and me and my friend are gonna move up there. (maybe adrienne) who know's.  I'm pretty upset Dennis is moving, but it's whatever. I'm not surprised at all, after he moves I'm gonna clean up the floor, and shampoo the floor (because Denni has it all stained and crap) and were gonna paint the bedroom's walls purple (like a dark rich color) either that or were gonna paint it another color, who know's. But it's gonna be amazing. I really hope that I'm going to be able to get all this together. but I'm willing to work on it. I have hospital bills to pay, but I'm still able to save up money for a car, and an apartment, so I'm willing to kickstart my life. 

Right now my moms finishing school, and I'm not sure if I can do it like her, she's pretty amazing and smart. She's my insporation when it comes to life. She's been through so much and she has been able to keep her head high, and keep herself focused, and she's going to graduate soon, she's gonna be a nurse at Bryn Mawr Rehab, and she's going to be an amazing nurse, I know it. Right now I'm helping her around the house as much as I can because she's in school. School is helping her stay active, and keeping her busy, so she's been doing good lately. Were probably moving soon, but I really hope not, we just need to fix the place up, and I can help her with that!! No doubt. I have always wanted to be an Interior designer and I've always helped my mom rearrange the furniture, and help her paint the bathrooms, and her bedroom and all. She loves it here, and I don't want to move at all. I want this to be my mom's house forever. I want to have christmas here with my kids, and my neices and nephew's, and I want my mom to be alive when I have kids, and I don't want her to be to old. I want my kids to have a grandmother, because I have never had one, that was close at least, one that loved me. Because My dad had so many brothers and sisters, and then my mom did too, so both my grandparents had too many grandkids to even count on their fingers and toes. but my mom has 12 kids, and she's probably going to be close to my children, and everyone elses, because she's amazing like that, and a wonderful mother too.

I'm sorry that I'm rambleing on, but I'm off to do laundry, take a shower, and then relax and fall asleep.

Love to all.

okay well lets see. i havent updated in awhile. and im totally lacking in that.
i started a new fast this morning at 12:00am. and it is now offically day 2 of my fast.
so far so good. only water, diet coke, diet tea, and laxative tea with equal. no food what so ever. 0 cals all day. i was tempted many of times by my mom, brother, ect. i almost ate a pot-pie but lexi saved my sorry ass. and i almost had pizza. but i told my mom she could have my share because i had stomach pains/cramps.

i havent weighed myself yet, but i was 143 last time i checked. im hopeing to be 142 by tomorrow, or so... i keep gettin light headed, but that happens when you dont eat. hah. i did a jazzercise tape earlier, and later on today. it was good. i feel like i got a good workout.

well tomorrow i have to go back to work & school. work to get my ppd test read, and to get my hours. and i go back to school to get my finals done and stuff. last day of school is on the 8th and im hopeing to be about 135 or so by then and im pretty much scared to go to DC im hopeing i dont pig out there. i just want to seem like a normal person there, not someone with an eating disorder. ya know?? oh well. hopefully ill be skinny, and me legs will be cleared up, so i can go swimming and do all sorts of stuff, like wear shorts or skirts.

i was looking threw clothes in delia's and alloys catalogs, and i cannot wait until i loose weight. by the end of june i want to be in the 118-125 range. thats like 25lbs from now. i can loose it, i know i can. i just have to have self control, and eat salads, fruits, veggies, and work out alot. i want my hips to be 30" and i want my waist to be at least 20" and i want my thighs to be like 16.5 and my calfs to be like 9.5-10 and hmm my arms to be 8.5 my lower arm to be 6.5 my wrist to be 6 and my ankle to be like 7.5

right now my measurements are
hips- 36
waist- 27
thighs- 20.5
calfs- 13.5
arm- 11
lower arm- 9
wrist- 6.5
ankle- 9

so yeah my plan for tomorrow is to wake up, get dressed, brush teeth, get ready, leave for school come home, walk charlie, go to work, come home, walk charlie again, exercise tape, chores, exercise tape again, take a shower, check myspace, talk for a few, get ready for bed, go to sleep. and repeat.

im keeping my fingers crossed that i passed my drug test xxxxxxxx

anyways i have to go fill up my water bottle, then im off to sleep.
i love you guys, show some love please!!!

so yeah, i havent been fasting.
i have to be 125 by the time we go to DC
if not, im going to be so miserable.

im going to go workout.
i dont know my current weight.

and i know i dont want to know my current weight.
but im going to go do some exercises.


and then chill for the rest of the night.

i love you all
send some love, please.


x x x x x
crissy

i so totally fucked up, and i ate.
laxitives maybe???


ugh i really wanna kill myself right now.

what the fuck did i do?!?!
i cant stand myself anymore. jeez.


i really need to step up my game.

i decided to make a livejournal. :)
not many are active on greatest journal anymore.


here is my entry for today loves :D

YOOO! im finally sixteen. & i can explain why im not in school...my mom woke me up & told me i had a half hour, when i only had 10 mins. haha, so i def missed my bus, and then i walked back up, and tried to wake dennis up.....PSH! haha thats funny. he wouldnt wake up for the life of me. so yeah. i was looking through my pictures and found ones from 7th grade, in my photobucket...and thats when my ed first hit, i looked sooo chubby, and then in the after picture, i look sickly. like before i was about 5'4 135, but then i was about 100 afterwards. but anyways, ill post it later, i really dont feel like uploading it, as right now im uploading a video in tinypic. haha. but lets see, i really wanted to go to school today, and get people to sign my year book. i still yet have to talk to joshua. im trying to see if hes going to the strawberry festival with me....i gotta ask him, but im too chicken, lol.

i weighed myself this morning, and im back at 143 :D i knew ittt. haha, i guess im just going to do this laxative tea fast, pretty much, and im probably not going to eat anything today, because later, im going swimming with rachel and andy, and i dont want to look like a huge cow. blah blah blah blah. i have to work on my thighs, and my arms. really badly. i really hate them, ugh....and my calfs. i have strech marks on my thighs!!! i want to cry. its so upsetting.


dude. dennis totally flipped out on me, he told me if i weighed myself one more time, then he would break the scale, and he was like your acting like your anorexic...i was like old news hun, sorry. grrrr my family pisses me off. im hopeing to be down to 135 by june 8th, because i think thats when im getting a new bathing suit :D so yeah, i need to work on my arms and thighs, and then i will be all set. anyways, about school. im having second thoughts on cyber school next year, i think im just going to fail, and get things over with, dude i really dont want to leave my friends, and im like thinking here, because if i stay home, then all i will do is eat. im just thinking about being put in one of those help classrooms for tests. sorta like a tutor. i dont know, i have to talk to my mom...but im trying to go to school tomorrow, and friday, and next week is finals. i just dont know anymore. so yeah, i have alot of new pics, and i will probably upload them later? idk maybe, but for now, here is the picture i was talking about, when my eating disorder first hit:

( seventh grade )